The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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