So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
