I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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