one two three fourrrrnication!
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
