I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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