Your face is a jimmy john
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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