and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
