I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
