last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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