u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
