I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
