Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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