I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
are you so shy because you have an std?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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