I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
