Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And then my night got REAL pukey
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
