I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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