I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
how drunk are you?
Several
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
