I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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