It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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