Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
