literally had 100 drinks last night.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
