Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
