i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
