Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
