FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
