There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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