Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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