I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
where are you?
Hypothermia
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
