I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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