I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
