nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
