I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
