Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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