Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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