i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
