well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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