I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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