It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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