i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
