my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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