This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
