Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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