Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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