I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Is Oprah even human
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
