I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
