People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
