Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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