You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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