Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
