you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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